Throughout the entire course of my life I have been plagued by an obsessive and addictive personality disorder. Whatever I find comforts me in any way at once becomes a habit, that endures even beyond pleasure to become itself a burden. The nature of addiction itself is that it long endures as a habit beyond its pleasurable experience. The main dilemma I face is that my obsessions make life in a way routine and bearable beyond the mental difficulties I face with mental illness. I have a very unique mind that is difficult to control, and my addictions are fundamentally caused by my diagnosed Bipolar mind.
This mind I have is extremely capable of creative thinking, and is a source of my unique emotional experiences, which I source for my work as an artist and poet. However, I would not wish the struggle of madness on anyone. It may infuse my work with genius, but it has caused a lot of damage in my personal life. Beyond the addictions, are also the burden of flight of fancies, and incoherent behaviors, which make other people question my motivations in wonder.
The benefits to my life are manifold in a way just like the curses are, for without my mental illness, without this wild mind that is touched by fire, I would not have the gifts that I presume I have. However, my life would have been easier. I wonder if life being easier would have yielded a common man, rather than the mad genius I am…
My addictions and obsessions have gone thru different phases and with different chemicals. I have always been addicted to food, and have been addicted to cigarettes. Also, sexually I suffer from a chronic addiction since I was young and first discovered it. Beyond this, I tend to approach my interests with obsession. Even women who I have sought to woo have become obsessions. I used to believe that I was a lover of women, when really I was just addicted to a certain elation I felt in their company.
The nature of my addictions is such that they tend to distort my daily life, and get in the way of successful living. I must take steps to become a more sedated person of even moods, without the need for countless cigarettes to help me focus. I tend to overwhelm my body with bad food, and soda pop, and cigarettes. Thank God I have little tolerance for alcohol and never became addicted to it, and have never become addicted to stronger drugs, for I should have most assuredly overdone them as well.
However, my obsessive personality has given me strength in other areas. My gift with writing and expression comes from my perfectionism in the craft for years, My constant picking at a poem until it glitters like a diamond. The fact that I analyse and critique every person, object, and sensation I come into contact with, lends itself to my deep thinking life, which also infuses itself into my verse.
My goal therefore cannot be to eliminate addiction from my life, but only to seek to moderate the problem parts of my personality, to become aware of them and mitigate them. I think that throwing myself into healthier ways of living, more healthy behaviors, would help me to overcome the poor behaviors. I have already begun taking steps. To not stay up late into the night before workdays writing and smoking my stimulents. To moderate my food intake and replace bad food with more healthy options. To overcome completely my cigarette addiction and to live a more healthy lifestyle. These things must and will happen. However as all things take patience and time, it shall be a long task of constant vigilance to overcome them.