Although I am naturally a romantic, and have spent much of my time in attempts at romance, I find that when it comes to maintaining a relationship with anyone, I fail utterly. No person remains in my life for very long, beyond my mother and family, who I have had my fair of troubles with as well. Because of this inevitable rejection, and finding no affirmation in the society of others, I have issues with abandonment, and approach any relationship with doubts and cynicism, knowing that all will leave me quickly, and others will leave eventually. I declare, this view has never failed me, and has always born itself out. I expect those who come into my life will in fact disappear at some point, and therefore I never find satisfaction in other people. And I find it cringe worthy when they make promises or say anything that contradicts this view, like "I love you", a statement I find uncomfortable.
I tend to self-isolate in response to rejection. Going into a narcissistic shell, an island far away from any other person, by which to reaffirm my own value to myself. It may seem odd, but removing myself from people, and going into secret places to have conversation with myself somehow comforts me- as if my mind were my only friend. Art itself for me is essentially this- a conversation between myself and myself, that I have labored on and find a value in, which I then try to share with the world as my redemption, or my revenge, or my seeking for love, from other people. Knowing that if only my work were genius it would make my life worthy, or in fact, show others how worthy I actually am.