A Man of Various Addictions

Throughout the entire course of my life I have been plagued by an obsessive and addictive personality disorder. Whatever I find comforts me in any way at once becomes a habit, that endures even beyond pleasure to become itself a burden. The nature of addiction itself is that it long endures as a habit beyond its pleasurable experience. The main dilemma I face is that my obsessions make life in a way routine and bearable beyond the mental difficulties I face with mental illness. I have a very unique mind that is difficult to control, and my addictions are fundamentally caused by my diagnosed Bipolar mind.

This mind I have is extremely capable of creative thinking, and is a source of my unique emotional experiences, which I source for my work as an artist and poet. However, I would not wish the struggle of madness on anyone. It may infuse my work with genius, but it has caused a lot of damage in my personal life. Beyond the addictions, are also the burden of flight of fancies, and incoherent behaviors, which make other people question my motivations in wonder.

The benefits to my life are manifold in a way just like the curses are, for without my mental illness, without this wild mind that is touched by fire, I would not have the gifts that I presume I have. However, my life would have been easier. I wonder if life being easier would have yielded a common man, rather than the mad genius I am…

My addictions and obsessions have gone thru different phases and with different chemicals. I have always been addicted to food, and have been addicted to cigarettes. Also, sexually I suffer from a chronic addiction since I was young and first discovered it. Beyond this, I tend to approach my interests with obsession. Even women who I have sought to woo have become obsessions. I used to believe that I was a lover of women, when really I was just addicted to a certain elation I felt in their company.

The nature of my addictions is such that they tend to distort my daily life, and get in the way of successful living. I must take steps to become a more sedated person of even moods, without the need for countless cigarettes to help me focus. I tend to overwhelm my body with bad food, and soda pop, and cigarettes. Thank God I have little tolerance for alcohol and never became addicted to it, and have never become addicted to stronger drugs, for I should have most assuredly overdone them as well.

However, my obsessive personality has given me strength in other areas. My gift with writing and expression comes from my perfectionism in the craft for years, My constant picking at a poem until it glitters like a diamond. The fact that I analyse and critique every person, object, and sensation I come into contact with, lends itself to my deep thinking life, which also infuses itself into my verse.

My goal therefore cannot be to eliminate addiction from my life, but only to seek to moderate the problem parts of my personality, to become aware of them and mitigate them. I think that throwing myself into healthier ways of living, more healthy behaviors, would help me to overcome the poor behaviors. I have already begun taking steps. To not stay up late into the night before workdays writing and smoking my stimulents. To moderate my food intake and replace bad food with more healthy options. To overcome completely my cigarette addiction and to live a more healthy lifestyle. These things must and will happen. However as all things take patience and time, it shall be a long task of constant vigilance to overcome them.

Words are my Principle Actions

I am a watcher and a spectator of events and a man of words. I tend to view everyone and everything from the outside rather than the inside, and it gives me the ability to see clearly, since I am not partisan in a way. I refrain from viewing myself as part of any politic, or any society as such, and tho I am an American, I view myself as a world citizen. All of mankind are my brothers and sisters, and my politic and community.

I am a spectator and a viewer when it comes to political or historical events. I don't take part in discussions or town meetings, refrain from voting, which I view as beneath me, and never discuss my values or opinions in anyones company, knowing that most are not ready to hear what I have to say. No. I prefer writing as the means by which I express myself, and my art is the only place I am very much alive and am myself.

Even in my personal life, I seldom make conflict with others, even when they are wrong in their understandings of things, and I refrain from teaching any other person a lesson in speech. I only teach thru my written work. I only discover what I am thru writing. It's as if I am two persons. One, the friendly and kind quiet man of imagination who seldom draws interest, and the other, the poet John Canyon, who is never shut up and is always interesting. I have a split personality perhaps.

I view this also as necessary since I am a complete original. I've learned to hide my original voice in my daily life, not wanting to deal with the laymans lack of understanding. I don't make radical speeches, because I don't feel like being hit in the face, or yelled off the stage by partisan lackeys. It's also a way of protecting myself from saying anything which is beneath me, or saying anything I don't wish said. Because when speaking out loud a person cannot edit his mistakes. The genius of writing is in the editing.

My principle actions therefore are only the words I write and the things I create in my art. John Canyon is a creation too of that art, and in my daily life, I merely am a spectator who quietly watches everything and everyone and takes notes for later.

Abandonment

Although I am naturally a romantic, and have spent much of my time in attempts at romance, I find that when it comes to maintaining a relationship with anyone, I fail utterly. No person remains in my life for very long, beyond my mother and family, who I have had my fair of troubles with as well. Because of this inevitable rejection, and finding no affirmation in the society of others, I have issues with abandonment, and approach any relationship with doubts and cynicism, knowing that all will leave me quickly, and others will leave eventually. I declare, this view has never failed me, and has always born itself out. I expect those who come into my life will in fact disappear at some point, and therefore I never find satisfaction in other people. And I find it cringe worthy when they make promises or say anything that contradicts this view, like "I love you", a statement I find uncomfortable.

I tend to self-isolate in response to rejection. Going into a narcissistic shell, an island far away from any other person, by which to reaffirm my own value to myself. It may seem odd, but removing myself from people, and going into secret places to have conversation with myself somehow comforts me- as if my mind were my only friend. Art itself for me is essentially this- a conversation between myself and myself, that I have labored on and find a value in, which I then try to share with the world as my redemption, or my revenge, or my seeking for love, from other people. Knowing that if only my work were genius it would make my life worthy, or in fact, show others how worthy I actually am.